Sometimes I hate myself. Whilst there are many imperfections that I regularly get frustrated about, nothing makes me want to hang my head in shame than making bad, predictable jokes that make you look like a twat.
In the last couple of years, I have developed a habit of making a joke of incredible twatishness. I am the person who makes jokes about colleagues using their holiday allocation. I hate others who do it and I hate it when I do it, but before I can think of anything eloquent to say the following phrases leap from my mouth:
- "You're off again?!"
- "Is this another sabbatical?!"
- "Haven't you already had a day's holiday this year?"
- "Don't worry about us!"
It occurred to me the other day why I do this. I'm trying to protect myself. What I really want to do is scream "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US, I'M SCARED THE COMPANY WILL FALL APART WITHOUT YOU" whilst clinging to their ankles and dragging them back to their desks.
This happens every time someone goes on holiday. Source. CTLive.Info
Now I appreciate that this might all come across as quite weird, but it is driven from a (largely) commercial and rational base. At Motors.co.uk, we're still a small company. We're growing fast and there aren't enough hours in the day. When people aren't there, their loss is felt.
People do need holiday and it's important to recharge one's batteries, but it's also important for people to know that they have a team that will welcome them back firmly when they return. I may well look into a full, flag waiving hero's welcome for anyone taking more than 3 days off at any time.
In the meantime, if anyone hears me joking about their upcoming holiday, just remember that I'm hurting. As the wise Aswad sang: "Don't turn around, 'cause you're gonna see my heart breaking".
Potentially people will now find the emotional responsibility of taking holiday too much. (have I just made a bad joke about people taking holiday? Dammit!)
When I was at school, there was rarely less chance of getting bullied than if your parents drove a Skoda. Kids whose parents didn't even have a car took the piss, it was deemed worse than having a car. Fast forward twenty years and Skoda regularly wins awards for its cars and has generated strong customer loyalty. I know enough about them to know that they are genuinely good cars at great value. But, push come to shove, I probably still wouldn't buy one for fear of being taunted by the playground. Their brand perception has improved drastically to a point that I wouldn't have thought possible as a smarmy 10 year old.
The long term value and association of a brand lingers. It can be repaired, it can be altered, but our emotions towards a brand are personal and affected by our own interactions with the brand - it's not a quick fix. This obviously creates a nightmare for marketeers who would love to deliver quick changes in a homogenous manner.
The brand relationship is particularly powerful with cars. We have recently changed our family car, and it forced my wife and I to look outside our usual brands. As a couple, we have a number of shared values, and a respect of German cars was one of them (albeit, not something we lingered on in early dates). For reasons of budget and model range (we "needed" 7 seats and 4x4) we were taken away from our German bruders.
(as an aside, research from Motors.co.uk shows that German brands have the biggest brand allegiance - 59% of BMW drivers intend to stick with a BMW next time)
Naturally, I used the Motors.co.uk Smart Search to help decide the best car for our criteria. I'm afforded the responsibility of identifying the shortlist of cars for consideration. This one took some convincing, because it you're not spending north of £40,000, a 4x4 purchase tends to be a utilitarian purchase. The romance of the process was lost as we conceded the need for practicality over fun.
When it looked like a Volvo was the most likely outcome, I was satisfied, my wife was in shock. "How can I be a Volvo driver!" she exclaimed. I was perplexed. She knew that the decision was a good one, based on a market leading car search tool(!), but her emotional reaction to the brand put her hackles up. As far as Bianca was concerned, we might as well get two labradors, wear cardigans and become bores who discuss A roads and NCAP ratings.
I, on the other hand, was very comfortable with this. Not only do I back myself when it comes to A roads and NCAP ratings, my parents had Volvos when I was younger and my perception of them was very different. The first car I drove on passing my test was a Volvo 440, quickly moving onto 2 different S40s. I didn't perceive them as boring. I knew that such a view existed. But I viewed them as almost luxury cars. No other 17 year old was driving as nice a car as me. I was a Volvo driver, and proud of it. (If you didn't know me as a teenager, this paragraph will give you a very good impression of just how cool I was)
Hilarity from the Volvo Touing Car Team - I loved it! Source: TouringCarTimes.com
Common sense, and a lack of other attractive options prevailed and we are now Volvo owners. I'll probably wait a couple of years before joining the owners' club, but I do hope that I'll be able to transform Bianca's views on the brand. For the millions spent on glamorous TV advertising, the real connection with the brand comes from personal experience. This is an area that should never be underestimated by brands. Your brand isn't your advert, it is your product and everything that surrounds it.
I'm pleased that we reached a rational outcome. Though, I should probably admit that on paper arguably the best choice for us was a Land Rover ... but I refuse to become a Land Rover driver.
I suffer from a condition that my friends named "lift adrenaline". It's an inability to not talk when faced with the silence of being in a lift with others - it's especially unfortunate that I usually say something stupid or inappropriate. Here's a brief anecdote about a recent attack.
7.30am, Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas NV - I'm taking the lift from the casino to the 4th floor. Another guest of the hotel enters the lift. She's dressed casually, early twenties. Unfortunately for her, she briefly makes eye contact. I reciprocate a smile, but it quickly disappears as I feel a charge of lift adrenaline and I begin the internal conflict to overcome it. A maximum of two seconds have elapsed with the lift doors being shut. It feels like a lifetime. I'm fighting to not say anything and appear normal.
Obviously I fail.
"Is your day starting or ending?" I ask. It is meant entirely innocently, but immediately "lift regret" kicks in and I'm concerned that this will be perceived as some sort of "line".
"Just ending" She laughs, looks at me in more detail and asks "you?"
She's clearly being polite and I exhale a brief laugh. I am dressed as preppy as they come in chinos, gingham shirt, and a whopping great name badge hanging around my neck. I could not be more corporate. I'm floored with the realisation that this is a very different Vegas experience for me.
I recall a trip to Vegas about 10 years ago, playing blackjack at 8am (following a big night and an all you can eat breakfast), chatting to the world's worst bridesmaid. Her sister was getting married in 3 hours time and she'd been up all night and was now playing $5 blackjack with some English idiots.
But you know what? I think I'm ok with it. I wanted to be at the conference. I wanted to be fresh of mind. I struggle to stay awake after 10pm anyway. On another day, it could have triggered a mid-life crisis but I sort of chuckled to myself in a "you kids" manner and prepared myself for a day of presentations, strategy sessions and networking.
The lift doors opened and I exited invigorated by this coming of age. My only fear as I left was whether I had broken my gaze at the woman as I considered all of this. Knowing lift adrenaline, I suspect not.
I couldn't believe it, I'd struck gold! The numbers were incredible! It was clear that all the hard work we'd done had paid off. And, how it had paid off! Business books would be written about the transformation. This was no ordinary rebudget, this was revolutionary.
Then that sick feeling in my stomach.
Excel, the bitch, had made a mistake. More accurately, it's mentally challenged user had made an incredibly simple mistake. It was more satisfying to blame Excel though. Why would I want to anchor the row AND the column? Excel should have known that right?
Wrong.
Millions of pounds lost in a matter of seconds. I was heartbroken. Excel should have a warning to not be used by optimists. A cynic would have spotted something was wrong immediately, but I wanted to believe this was true.
What could be wrong here?
Forecasting and budgeting absorb countless hours of every business and it is very important to have the yardstick and debate about how we achieve our goals. But judging the success of the business against these yardsticks depends on an oft overlooked assumption - that we are good at forecasting.
If a business misses its budget, is it a failure, or was the budget wrong? Ultimately, it is right that the leaders are punished either way, though a wrong budget seems a lesser crime than a business failure.
As with all data, I think budgets themselves shouldn't be taken in isolation and should be reviewed against a wider context. This sounds like excuse making, and it probably is, but it is wrong to assess any business against one metric only.
Then there is also the human behaviour to consider. If a business wildly exceeds its budget, then that is a sign of sandbagging with managers potentially under reporting to boost their own bonuses? A budget "should" be a faithful expectation of the performance, but this "should" also be led by people who are optimistic of the performance - if a manager doesn't believe in the business, who else will? - so by definition the budget should overstate expected performance. The political game of budgeting makes it impossible to work out whether the budget is likely to be above or below management's real expectation. (personally, I'm too dumb to "game" it)
Add to this the potential for calamitous Excel slips and you realise that if the budgeting process is an art rather than a science it is, at best, a crayon scrawl.
Alternatively, the rest of the world is much better at Excel and budgeting than me. This is quite possible.
Right, back to the job in hand. What's that? There's only 12 months in a year? Bugger.
A real "dear diary" moment happened to me recently, here it is:
I had the best day at work ever. Even better than the day I got 2 Twirls out of the vending machine for the price of one.
Last Thursday the TV ad for Motors.co.uk went live on TV and it surpassed all of my hopes. My prevailing emotion going into the day was anticipation (with a side-dish of fear) of whether the promises we'd made about finally bringing Motors.co.uk to the attention of consumers would be true. The first sizeable screening was 10.45am during Secret Millionaire: Australia (the guy gave about £20k, not exactly Rockefeller). TVs in the office on. Everyone stopped to watch and a cheer went up as it appeared, and it looked good, really good.
As soon as it was over, I stared at my analytics and the traffic spiked up immediately. IMMEDIATELY! It kept going and we soon hit levels we'd never seen before. One advert in a relatively low daytime rating slot. Andy and I looked at each other and said "thank God for that". It worked.
The rest of the working day was continued highs as the peak of Secret Millionaire was quickly forgotten, and we broke record after record of users live on the site. Every time we hit a new high (which seemed like every 30 minutes), applause and cheers filled the office. Someone shouted a "COME ON" more aggressively and passionately than Andy Murray. Others took photos of the analytics screens. It was like being in a movie, if ever one was written about an online car classified site.
I took a moment to appreciate that the joy in the office was the culmination of so many people's hard work and commitment to the business over many years. A moment of great privilege to have a team so together in their passion for this to work. If one person had hugged, it would have sparked an outbreak. We were twitching with excitement.
But, we were being idiots, the British public were just warming up. In the evening, we went to the pub to see our "hero" positions on ITV. We went to the pub. We took sweeps on where we thought the traffic would go to. The traffic continued to heat up with ads on ITV2 and E4 (after Hollyoaks - possibly my proudest moment), but nothing could have prepared us for what happened at 8.30 between Emmerdale and Birds of a Feather.
The traffic leaped quickly, then it leaped again, and again, we all realised that this was going to be special. People were now videoing Google Analytics (in a pub). The barman was cheering with us. It peaked at levels I thought others were foolish to choose in the sweepstake. My "bullish" guess a fraction of the peak.
Sharing this day with everyone who had invested so much into getting the business ready for this was an honour. We've had lots of battles to get here, but they were all worth it for this moment of euphoria.
As is the Motors.co.uk way, we are now hooked on this greater level of traffic and crawling all over the data to improve performance further. Our expectations are now even higher.
But on this one day, what we dreamed of arrived and then kept coming. Officially we'll credit strategic planning, but it felt more like karma. I'll never forget it or stop chasing it.
As we all face an overload of "best of 2013" lists, I thought I would add to the noise by listing some of my favourite songs of 2013. I doubt many artists have been eagerly awaiting the publication of this list after last years, but I like the exercise of documenting my year in music.
Predictably, I have failed almost as soon as I started as a year is quite a long time and I struggle to remember the things I liked at the start of the year. (Resolution for next year, to keep a running list). So whilst the list is weighted to my short-term memory, those tracks from earlier in the year deserve extra praise for keeping themselves planted.
What surprised me most about 2014 was the way my consumption of music changed. I probably listened to more music, but I bought less than I have since I was 12 years old. On train journeys, I open Deezer rather than iTunes. Streaming helps me be more promiscuous and exploratory with my music. But I have suffered in that there have only been a few albums that I have worshiped this year. That's a shame, I love listening over and over to the same album.
Anyway, my favourite songs of 2013 (in no particular order):
Ezra Furman - My Zero
A standout album of 2013 for me. Recalls bits of Bruce Springsteen (with the sax) and lots of fun. Deserves to be massive next year.
Foxygen - San Francisco
Such a great pop song. Bit of a shame they had their meltdowns, but there is something really clever about this band. Takes balls to rewrite the melody for the line "I left my heart in San Francisco"
Laura Marling - Where Can I Go?
A great song, but also represents the album which was exceptional. It is ridiculous how her albums continue to improve. She is a talent to be cherished.
David Bowie - Where Are We Now?
The perfect comeback? No hype, just a release and what a song to do it with. I love the intimacy of this track and the video complements it perfectly.
Sweet Baboo - Motoring Home
A favourite on the Marc Riley show that I listen to on my drive home. It has never failed to draw a smile from me. I find it really evocative - even though we never had a motorhome, I remembered painfully long drives with my family as a kid
Euros Child - Tete a Tete
Another one from the Marc Riley show, but so much fun in this song. Pop sensibilities with a large portion of weird. Love it.
Milo Greene - What's The Matter
Saw this band at Latitude on the tiniest of stages and they were brilliant. Fleetwood Mac comparisons are obvious, but more than that it is just enchanting.
Vampire Weekend - Step
Modern Vampires of the City was a real step forward for Vampire Weekend. Always a favourite they seem to have matured whilst keeping their energy. This song got stuck in my head and has to make this list.
Cate Le Bon - I Can't Help You
The opening riff alone has soundtracked the last few months of my life. I love the hooks and vocals. She has an incredible voice. Disappointed to learn she isn't related to Simon Le Bon though...
Stephen Malkmus and the Licks - Lariat
I think technically this is released in Jan '14, but I've heard it lots over the last few weeks. Pavement always a favourite of mine, but this song has formed an immediate emotional connection. Just a great example of a great pop song.
Staves - Window Facing West
Whilst there is no particular order to this list, this song is my favourite of the year. It melted into my soul as soon as I heard it. So simple and beautiful. The album is great, but this song always makes me stop to listen to it properly. I've murdered it on the ukulele many times since, shame on me.
There you have it. That's about all I can remember for 2013 which is a dreadful shame as I'm sure there was lots of great music. In 2014 I plan to listen to more and to remember what I listened too.
As a Norwich City fan, I had a shock this week when I saw that Phil Jones had scored for Man Utd against the Canaries. Obviously I've known about the "other" Phil Jones and Norwich's defensive frailty. However, the truth is I have secretly enjoyed having a namesake and thinking that it I could be the professional footballer. This fantasy has been stoked by Twitter, and it's been quite fun.
My Twitter handle is @PhillJones and the "real" Phil Jones' handle is @Ph1lj0nes . Therefore, it is not surprising that people occasionally get us confused. However, it is quite a lazy mistake, not forgetting the small (but irrationally important to me) fact that I have two L's in my name.
When Phil first signed for Man Utd and I received my first wrong tweet, I thought that I was going to get showered with adulation. I even thought that I could masquerade as a professional - it's always been a dream, and I think I would be better at social media than most footballers.
This idea was quickly killed when it became apparent that the only people who made the mistakes were mostly bonkers. They were often violent, graphic in language and provided an insight into the abuse that celebrities must encounter on a daily basis.
Part of me can understand the thrill of tweeting a celebrity and getting some form of reaction (a post-modern ding-door-dash if you will), but trolling or sending abuse is frankly disgusting. I believe that the direct access we get to celebrities and sportsmen through Twitter is a privilege. It is great hearing views from people direct and avoiding the spin/bias of a newspaper article. Michael Owen has used it particularly well a couple of times when he predicted he would be misquoted. A number of stories that would have previously been front page on the News of the World have been quashed immediately by the person in question providing their side of the story and castrating any sordid headline. (it's also great to watch them get it wrong, or tweet whilst drunk or grumpy).
But that's all a bit boring. Here's the fun bit, some of my favourite tweets that I've received in my time as defender for Manchester United (kind of):
The last one is my favourite. It's great to be considered in the same company as those guys. Deep down, I'll always hope that it was really meant for me.
