It’s that time of year when I groan again at the hype that surrounds Glastonbury. Rather than just direct abusive “hippie” type comments I thought I’d be proactive and think of what my dream festival would look like. I’m sure you’ve had the debate in the pub, you’ve got to fill a festival line up. You are entitled to creative freedom around the era the band appears from, but you are constrained by ensuring the appropriate time slot for the band (eg can’t have supergroups performing throughout the day).
Unsurprisingly, I’m naturally sceptical of music festivals. In all honesty, I prefer a gig as I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of people drifting in and out of different artists. Our approach to bands when we were growing up was to completely obsess about them and learn every lyric (and guitar solo) and queue up ridiculously early in the chance of catching a glimpse of a roadie or even a band member. Utterly sad, but the inclination remains. As such, I will stop short of my many requirements for the festival itself in terms of types of people (like me but not too much like me), facilities (loos you can safely p** in), dress code (no stone dyed clothes) etc. However, I will make it categorically clear that any flags in the audience will not be tolerated.
Right, the music. Rather than breaking out across different stages, I want to see all of the acts, so I only have one stage. I also only have 2 days (Friday and Saturday) as I think Sunday is too much and would rather focus on getting on the road. Likewise, there is no turnaround time, it is constant music.
Friday (start slowly…)
| Time | Act | Reason |
| Midday to 1pm | James Taylor (early 70s) | At the very start of his career, a beautiful introduction to the mix of folk and alternative. Ease people into it |
| 1pm to 2pm | Nick Drake | Might be a bit samey after James Taylor. But to see a young Nick Drake would have been an utter privilege. To lay on the grass listening to such melodies and tone would be immense |
| 2pm to 3pm | Ben Folds Five (debut album era) | A bit more noise, but an exciting new artist (at this time) with some amazing piano skills |
| 3pm to 4pm | Fleet Foxes | Continuing the days folk theme. Geniuses of melody. A great band to watch with a nice afternoon drink (pimms or shandy most likely) |
| 4pm to 5pm | Flight of the Conchords | A good bit of comedy to lighten up the afternoon before everyone settles in. Hilarious live. An appropriate billing for New Zealand’s second favourite folk parody band |
| 5pm to 6.30pm | Sufjan Stevens | Not sure how good he would be live, but I’m so intrigued and desperate to see. Again, audience screening required to ensure that only people that “get it” are in attendance. Likely an artist that people could spoil by talking through the performance |
| 6.30pm to 8pm | Weezer (Pinkerton era) | Lots to sing along too and switching the audience onto some loud noises. Amazing live, would have loved to seen them at an early stage of their career. Choosing Pinkerton so that they have more than the Blue Album to play and fill the 90 minutes |
| 8pm to 11.30pm | REM (Monster era) | I saw them at Glastonbury in 1999, but they were missing Bill Berry who last toured on the Monster/Aneurysm tour. Proper stadium band at the height of their game and embracing electric guitars. Michael Stipe incredible at controlling a large audience |
Saturday (it’s allowed to get a little noisy)
| Time | Act | Reason |
| Midday to 1pm | Noah and the Whale | Beautiful music, always. Picture them playing to a crowd waking up and in full daylight. Sweeping strings and great melodies. A difficult slot, but a great set up for the day |
| 1pm to 2pm | Oasis (Definitely Maybe pre-release) | Who are these upshots?! Presumably they’ll mouth off about Noah and the Whale (I’ll have a word with them) |
| 2pm to 3pm | Burt Bacharach (and guest artists) | A full orchestra for some classics with a few surprise appearances (I’ve been sworn to secrecy) |
| 3pm to 4pm | James (Laid era) | Lots of dancing and a few sing-alongs for people |
| 4pm to 5pm | Band of Horses | Big sounds and big guitars and a little bit country |
| 5pm to 6.30pm | Flaming Lips (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots era) | One of my favourite bands live, great energy and bound to bring a smile to everyone’s faces. Lots of zorb action |
| 6.30pm to 8pm | Smiths (Queen is Dead era) | Quickly restoring melancholy levels. But what a band to see! |
| 8pm to 11.30pm | Rolling Stones (Exile on Main St era) | I’m not 100% on this, but a band at the height of their creative powers, throwing out incredible songs that must have been electric when live. Hopefully catch the band before they disappeared within Jagger’s ego |
This line-up is only a snapshot in time, probably influenced by what I’ve listened to recently (currently listening to REM Monster and have been reading Keith Richards autobiography). It will change before I get home, but something along these lines would satisfy me and encourage me to camp.
What would be great to add to this is some of these artists being unknown to me at the time I sit down to listen to them. To discover some of these acts for the first time live would be a real privilege. It is this that I am most jealous of all festival attendees – stumbling across a new band that just blows you away, the live performance will always enhance your memories particularly if you share it with great friends.
Although it is clear that I am way too anal to fully embrace it, I’m now jealous of the festival goers…
ps even reading this back makes me realise I’ve made a number of mistakes. Perhaps I need a third day? Arrrgghh!
